This is an exercise that can be used when we are struggling with a relationship with someone.
When we are having difficult experience with someone in our life, say a partner or a parent, for example, we can often feel a want or a need to confront the other person in the relationship but this may feel overwhelming, and scary, and we may not know what it is we actually want to say.
This exercise is designed to help us gain some understanding before we engage with the person we are struggling with.
The idea is to write a letter that will not be sent. I emphasise that the letter is not written to be sent to the other person, it is to allow us to process and understand.
In the first draft of the letter write down anything and everything you are feeling towards the other person. Write anything you want to say to them, any questions you want to ask, anything you want them to hear. Let this be a stream of consciousness. Don’t worry about spelling, or grammar or punctuation. The idea here is to express freely.
While writing this first draft you may feel some emotions coming up, such as anger, sadness, guilt, etc. Note these emotions and if you can allow yourself to express them. The aim here is to process some of the emotions that you may feel when you talk to the other person ahead of time so that they don’t feel so overwhelming in the moment.
Next read over your first draft and highlight parts that you feel are important, and that you want to communicate to the other person. Also note the parts that initially felt very important to communicate but now that you’ve expressed them feel less important.
Once you have done this start writing your second draft. The aim of this draft is to help you consider and clarify what it is that you really feel is important to communicate to the other person. If you feel strong emotions surfacing as you do this allow them and give yourself space and time to express them.
Repeat this for as many drafts as you need in order to express and process all the emotions that are being evoked and until you have some clarity on what you want to communicate, what you feel is important for you to convey and what isn’t.
At this point you can destroy the letter, or keep it for you to review again later.
Many of my clients have found this exercise very useful. Some have found that it made difficult conversations much easier to face as they knew what they really wanted to say and that the emotions were not as overwhelming as they had taken the time to look at them. Others found that doing this allowed the to express everything they wanted to on the page and they then didn’t need to have the conversation with the other person. The simple act of writing it all out helped them process and thus improve their relationship.
If you are struggling in relationship, please get in touch for a free 15 minute call to see how counselling in Finsbury Park or online can help.
